As we approach another new year we are met by the concept of resolution. UUUG! I think the pressure of it is ridiculous and unnecessary. We are all amazing and beautifully complex beings. We deserve a lot of spaciousness and compassion around our growth and one day just doesn’t cut it. The one thing I can take away from all of this resolution talk is from the definition; the commitment to something new or different in our lives, solving a problem, coming to terms with something. Okay, I can work with this.
The idea of coming to terms with something resonated. I will adopt this something to mean who I am, a version of myself, or even a part I have cultivated over the years that no longer serves me. I believe we are doing this constantly, not just one time of year. We are always shifting from one version of ourselves to the next in every choice we make. We are forever making the choice between staying in the same stories and reactions that have been our “go to” or letting go of those old ways of being that no longer serve us. For me I have seen these moments as a shedding of the unneeded layers of who I am.
When my mom died I experienced a physical and emotional pain I couldn’t have imagined. I walked around for 2 weeks asking anyone who would listen, “Do you think she loved me?” She did of course and know this now without a doubt, but in those first days all I could feel was regret and sorrow for the struggle we sometimes had as mother and daughter. Within the deep pain there was an immediate awareness of an opportunity for growth and healing within my relationship with my mom. One I wasn’t able to achieve when she was alive. In fact one of my first thoughts in the 24 hour period after her passing was, “Its time to open your heart now Graham.” and that is exactly what I began to do.
It’s been 3 years of shedding the protective armor I built as a child and young adult. Each piece put in place as a means to keep myself safe after a significant life experience I didn’t know how to process. It was unconscious, and without other coping tools this is what I created. It’s been a deep practice and at times a struggle to let go of these layers, but over the years I have found my footing and am now living into the more truthful version of who I am. Sometimes the armor still shows up. The ” little protector” as I like to call her rages strongly in efforts to keep me safe. I’ve had to show up with compassion for myself and let “her” now I’ve got this and we are safe.
While the New Year can be a great opportunity to remind us to make a conscious choice about our lives, lets not forget we are always consciously and unconsciously shedding (or holding) what no longer serves us. At our very best we are choosing with love the truth of who we are and want to be.
So this New Years I won’t set any resolutions. I will love myself for where I am and who I am.
So have a blast, smile big and love yourself for who you are right now. It’s an amazing gift.
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